He pulls the two ends further apart, tightening the knot between them. Exhaustion slips in, the crying session earlier has drained him both physically and emotionally. As today ends, a knot gets added to his collection, and today is the day the last knot is tied. The noose is now complete. It was not a hasty decision; it was something that he had planned for. The choice between life and death was a conflicting one, thus he came up with a deal, such that whenever Death beats up his will to live, he will tie a knot. It took him 6 years to get to where he is. One might argue that it took him a long time. Yes. It did. There were times he felt completely fine, the supposedly happy days then slowly fades away and the demons in his head will once again mark their territory. There were times where he thought that he was finally free, that he could lock the darkness away, disperse it entirely and remove the chains tying him down. Soon after that he was punished for thinking that way, by adding another knot to his collection.
Holding the final product in his hands felt so heavy despite it being simply flimsy yarn. The burdens of both relief and fear wraps around him like blankets. It warms him up, but at the same time causes him discomfort. He acknowledges that living brings about joy, and that there is more to his life. But living is tiring, it drains him so very much, he feels more dread than joy and that is a sign in which this relationship is a toxic one. Go ahead and call him weak, but remember that you are not the one who had lived his life. One can only take so much before they crumble. Not all will pass the same tests, everyone’s capabilities and capacity to deal with certain challenges varies. He leans against the dull monochrome wall of his room and grips the rope hard like his life depended on it. As another crack forms on his already broken heart, pushing it over the edges, unable to hold itself back up again, falling into glistening smithereens.